apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
