Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
