Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
