I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
