I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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