Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
