I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
