Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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