I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
