yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
