If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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