My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
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there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
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He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?