This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
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