Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
