Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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