If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
