I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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