I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
