I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
