I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
