Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize