I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
