today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
