Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
