Soap is not a condiment
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
