Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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