Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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