Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
