it wasn't lemon gatorade
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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