I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
