im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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