Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
