Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
