I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
