is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Randomize
