I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
