he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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