you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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