Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Ladies don't puke and tell
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
