Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
