we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
