it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
