My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
