i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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