Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
