ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize