Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
