I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
