I don't usually arrange sex via text message
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
