Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
