He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
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We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
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You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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