Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
