I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
