Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
