in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
